giving up hope, while walking on a cracked sidewalk, and talking to yourself.

Its not as though i have given up hope completely, its moreso that i just know what things are hopeless where i am. I have never had that  one person that i was crazy about, the person that i couldnt stop thinking about, that person that you spend every hour with, or when your apart your always talking on the phone … well i have but i could hardly call him mine, we were just “friends” that ended up getting super close, we never kissed but we were both fluent in body language. I have had my fair share of lame half-way-there highschool flings. More exparimental, i have never dated someone “my type” maybe thats the problem. But most likely the problem is my type doesnt exist, unless your an early twenties music obsessed boy.

He has it all, and all of it i cant have, damn you 1991. Its not that i am sulking or am depressed, its just on my mind lately. I just want to be intimate, i just want affection, and none of that fake stuff. None of this “can i get a kiss” business or “merry christmas heres a fucking huge stuffed dog” . Real life living breathing romance. The real stuff like going to the BDI getting ice cream and watching the sunset, then he kisses you because he wants to. Not because he should. Then he would look at you and smile and tell you your eyes are beautiful, because he really truley thinks they are. Maybe its all to much and my optimism has created something false, something that doesnt happen unless its in the movies. I would like to think that this one day will happen, i wish on everything that it will, but the fact is why does it have to take so damn long.

Given up hopes, patched up with old flannel.

Sometimes i hope, i hope so hard that i could get out of here. Not for long, just for a good amount of time. I just feel as though i am stuck. Steinbach you are my rut. I just need to break free if only for a short while. I just want to go dancing in paris, and sit in a cafe in milan. I want to go to chic fashion shows and spend an insane amount on a dress that i will only wear for one night. I want sky high pumps and carry a box full of marlbaro reds in one hand and a sassy little clutch in the other. Its a colage, and i have it all maped out in my head how i want things to go. They wont go that way, i wont be rich and i wont look fabulous, maybe just maybe i will buy some sky high pumps anyway.

Ive got myself stuck with the parents that dont give a shit. While your parents pay for your europian get away, claiming its a good experiance that they want you to have, mine say why on earth would you want to go there. its to expensive, enjoy your own back yard before you go running across the world. well i want to go across the world when i am young and check out my own back yard when i am old and have a family, or maybe even do both. the fact that you say your normal is funny, and what on earth would give you the impression that i would want to marry a normal guy and have normal kids in a normal house with a normal dog? you have watched me grow, you know my insides and my outsides. how dare you make a remark like that. i have never expressed a need or want to be normal. i am me and whoever i marry will be him. you need to learn a thing or two.

i am opening to trying new things curry perhaps for tomorrow, if the weather is right.

as for now i just need to get out of this town.

fuck that shit

I am sick of you making me feel terrible all the time. I have an opinion and i am a human being. You are the one with the problem mr overdose. I could care less if you dislike me or  not, i just wish i wouldnt let it get to me.

your a crybaby selfish bastard who only cares about yourself, you make people feel like shit, you jerk them around. I am so glad i didnt kiss your self righteous face.  Go cry you nancy boy, and stop making me feel bad for being myself. She slapped you and she went on a tangent, double standard fuck.

have a happy life but stop making me feel guilty for nothing.

no. fuck that shit.

then again

sometimes i want to be better sometimes i dont, sometimes i dont think your being honest, sometimes i think what my life would be like somewhere else, sometimes i wonder what it would be like to be in love, sometimes i wonder what it would be like to smoke cigarettes in a french night club wearing dark lipstick, sometimes i wonder what it would be like if i was chic, sometimes i wonder what it would be like to be skinny, and sometimes i wonder what it would be like to be fat.

sometimes i wish i had long hair, and somtimes i wish my teeth were really white…

but then again thats only sometimes.

pale orange tubes

Things have been a confusion a cluster of lives entangled into one persons mind. I have had a hard time so far, trying to figure out who i am. Right now it would be nice to just be happy with myself, but every time i look at those photographs of my past i just bring myself back to how i felt, its crushing. Its not that i mind falling back to that place, its just i haven’t been there for a while and i will have to get used to my new abode. I think its the place where i go to when there is too much on it, its a peace. Even though the goal never gets met the thoughts comfort me.

I have this pile of books i borrowed from you that i have to finish, but my mind is racing because she lied to me. I asked her not to slut it up, and if she was going to rather the girl with the boyfriend then the man from far away, you are messy and drunk and i want you to see how you are portrayed, but i cant. I want to help you but i act like a mother. I want to guide you, its not my place. Its not bad things i want for you i want good, tough love, tough luck.

I’ve given up on our future, our travels, our home.

I cant pretend that you were there. I need you now, i am not scared of falling down, i am not scared of dark dark clouds. I miss your smile, i need you now.

If Your Interested

Take this for the plea it is. 

Sticky situations, tough times, rough days, expectations, drained brains. Life comes at you hard and life comes at you fast, you learn to depend on people. You learn to be able to go to those special few when you need it, and you learn to rely on those people and their understanding, love and compassion. But when for some reason things go astray and things change it takes some time to realize that you cant talk to them and you cant vent to them, because nine chances out of ten they dont want to hear it. Everybody deals with things in their own specific way, and with me i go through fazes, i get mad, sad, over it, compassionate… Its that feeling you get when you see those people in the hallway and you dont know how to react, and your heart beats and you dont know where to look. Its weird when that happens, one day you will make plans to spend time together and then next you make plans in your head to avoid each other..  and for what? For improper communication? Because you were too damn stubborn to pick up the phone and duke it out. Because its way easier to feel mad then to compose yourself long enough to make an effort.

sometimes i hate life, and i hate the way it throws me these things i dont want to deal with. i just want to put a bandaid on it, you know the old kiss and make up scenario. Unfortunatly things dont work like that.

I see the clothes everyday, red and grey. I want to turn them in, when the moments right.

this is me reaching out. lifes too short not to talk, not to be honest. i wish i wasnt that stubborn mule, who always wants to duke it out.

its to hard not to. when the time is right you will call me.

other then that, this is all i can say, the ringers on, batterys charged.

i want to share my thoughts again.

you always said you wished you could cry,

maybe we can together. then again maybe we can laugh too.

its about the facts, regardless of the fiction

Its the fact that evertime i think i am over it i get right down under it over and over. Decked out in lemon until dusk was in full swing.  Always working on these little projects that i can never seem to get done. This one i am real about. I want it to be completed…think of it as the million’th bullet on my list of new years resolutions. I hope that by me telling you this you wont tell anybody else.

 I am sure now that something has to be done with myself because everytime i get right down to doing something..i mess up in moments. I dont get how i can screw it up so bad all the time. I hate it. How is that for being vague!?

I am finally comfortable with one aspect of my life..it feels right and i love it. But on the other side of the room i cant stand the way it is. It is almost like i am doomed i cant win, i cant find that one missing puzzzzzle peice. Sure i know what it is, but where to get the exact right one thats the problem, sure i have patience but i am running out of it.

I am fine but restless, i am happy but moody, i am peacefull yet violent. I am in love with what i have not met.

That is when we made love in the tower of babel but it came crashing down, just like your hair on a monday morning…right at the break of dawn.

I am not sure why today has been the way it has been. And it has definatly been somthing to be desired. A somber mood has taken over. I took her for soup today and that was amazing, but a near tear expeariance for a no good reason was almost in the mix. I cant help the way i feel, but its unhappy and fatigued. I want to lie in my bed in cold white sheets, i cant stop thinking about what if’s. What if i go through with it, what if i dont. And then the other problem is trying to find out what that “what is” is? I want so many things and all seem to be terribly unnatainable for one reason or another. Not even material things.and scince when have i disliked the person that i have grown into? scince when?fuck me.cold white sheets.

Filling my life with fraudulent things.

this has been a long time coming, i have spent so much time away. but i hope i am back. i have spent my time filling my life with so many forget me nots that i have managed to forget the majority of them. he asked me the other day to do things in passion, i agreed. fraudulent things attatched to my brain, not sure if i want them there. but i am to cheap to give them up.

 green tea and woodchips

creative outlets.

 

 she poured out her feelings to him today, she said that she wanted a zine that they could share and work on and have the people that they respected the most contribute. she told him and now she has to sit at work and wait for a response. i find waiting has become something of a regular occurance lately. Waiting for his response, waiting to see how things pan out, waiting for christmas, waiting to be better, waiting to look better, waiting to see if she got the role, waiting to streatch her lobes bigger, waiting to get her nose punctured, waiting for the end of work, and waiting for the end of each class, and certainly waiting for her hair to grow.   i could stand the waiting. i think i could. i sure hope so. because all i have is hope and if that fails, well then i turn to wishing, i would rather not.

Green tea and Woodchips, alas.